I rarely agree with John Piper, but I do read his Desiring God blog fairly regularly, just in case he says something interesting or worthwhile. He said something that I thought worthwhile recently, writing about sex in marriage:

The leadership of the husband is defined by Paul not mainly as demanding his rights but as laying down his life for the good of his wife (Ephesians 5:25). Therefore, the predominant resolution of the sexual paradox is that the husband gently and tenderly takes the lead in seeking to maximize his wife’s pleasure, taking her longings deeply into account, rather than pressuring her to adapt to his.

The practical application of 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 is not resolved by logic or taking turns or male dominance or female submission. It is resolved in the mystery of love that discovers even here, when our physical pleasure is more prominent than anywhere else, “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35). There is a holy and humble and self-sacrificing competition to make the other maximally glad. The logical stalemate is broken by the miracle of grace.

I’m often shocked by complementarian Christian men who sincerely believe that the solution to problems in marriage is the woman submitting to their will; and women who believe that it is their rightful place to be trodden under heel. John Piper, by redefining ‘leadership’ (as something that is not recognisably leadership, but better ‘protector’). The important thought here is that 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 – The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. – is resolved not in turn-taking, logic, dominance or submission. It is resolved by humble, self-sacrificing love.

And that’s something important to realise for those men who think ‘women submitting’ is the same thing as ‘men dominating’.